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The stoning of Ma'iz b Malik

What happened to the stoning clause in the Qur'an? That was a question that caused a lot of discussion among the boys at Joe's Bar and Grille and Gun Club. Surely the Christian protestors at Dearborn had not been stoned in vain. A. Nonymous, one of the bar's most famous patrons, volunteered to make a study of stoning and this is his official report.


     by A. NONYMOUS

And so it came to pass that Ma'iz b Malik approached Allah's Apostle with a startling confession. Ma'iz might have been a little fellow but he was well constructed. He had the sinews of an ox and he was lusty-as lusty as an old goat. The sight of a naked female limb would set him all atremble and then he could not control himself.

And he was not the brightest of Allah's slaves. He would have been as dumb as a stump but there were few stumps in the desert so they said he had the brains of an ancient bird-no, not the Ibis, but the Dodo.

So it came to pass that this man with the sinews of an ox, the lustiness of an old goat, and the brain of a Dodo approached Allah's Apostle in the mosque. "I have committed adultery," he screamed. 

The Holy Prophet turned away from the man. Was Ma'iz mad? Was he drunk?

Standing beside the Prophet was his amanuensis, a swarthy fellow-Tonto was his name. Or maybe it was Tantum-he was one of a kind. There would not be another like him for 1,200 years. His face an imperturbable mask, he sat with a palm leaf in one hand and a stylus in the other ready to record for posterity anything of importance that might happen.

Ma'iz came once again to face Allah's Apostle. "Oh, Allah's Messenger," he said. "I have committed adultery."

The congregation was stunned. With the many slave women available and Allah being oft-forgiving this was an amazing declaration. Couldn't he have waited for the next war against the infidels when hundreds, if not thousands of Lolitas would have become available? And there were numerous other outlets for his lustiness-there were no animal rights groups in existence in those days and plenty of animals. Perhaps he was mad.

"I have committed immorality," insisted Ma'iz. "So inflict punishment on me."

Tonto scribbled furiously on the palm leaf with his stylus.

The Prophet turned away from Ma'iz. He consulted with Ma'iz's people about the state of the man's mind.

"Oh, he has the sinews of an ox, the lustiness of an old goat and the brains of a Dodo bird," they said. "He is just like the rest of us. We do not know of any ailment of his except that he has committed something about which he thinks that he would not be able to relieve himself of its burden but with the Hodd being imposed upon him."

Ma'iz was not Saul on the road to Damascus; he was a Muslim on the road to Hell.

Yet once again Ma'iz approached Allah's Apostle. By now no one was sure what was happening. There would be many versions about what took place next. Perhaps Ma'iz asked the Prophet to purify him. Purify him from what? From adultery! Was he drunk?

Allah's Messenger asked someone to smell Ma'iz's breath. No, no, he was sober-he smelled like he always did, a lusty licentious old goat, just like everyone else.

Obviously Ma'iz was not drunk or crazy. Perhaps he had only kissed the woman, embraced her. That was only a misdemeanor. No, no, he had committed adultery-he knew what adultery was. He was no fool.

The Prophet consulted with Allah. "Woe be upon you," he said to Ma'iz. "Go back, ask forgiveness of Allah and turn to Him in repentance." Then he turned away from Ma'iz for the third time.            

Tonto had started on a new palm leaf. He scraped furiously with the blunt end of his stylus. He must clear enough space to record the words that were coming so fast he could scarcely keep up. If he should miss something he would never be forgiven. But he did not want to think about that. Maybe he should have switched to Papyrus.

But Ma'iz was persistent-a common trait of the Dodo bird. He would have purity or death. He approached Allah's Apostle for a fourth time. He asked to be stoned-yes, stoned. Perhaps he thought the Prophet was Solomon or maybe Judge Roy Bean and would be merciful. He was indeed a Dodo. He had confessed four times to the crime of adultery. He placed his hand in the hand of the Prophet and said, "Kill me with stones."

The controversy lasted two or three days. One side said Ma'iz had been undone by his sins and would deserve what he got. But there were others who thought Ma'iz had done enough repentance for the entire tribe.

Then Allah's Messenger came to them while they were sitting and pronounced the sentence: Death by Stoning (Rajam).

And Tonto got it all down-not it black and white-but scratched into a palm leaf. But he was not happy. There must be a better way of recording history. He got his palm leafs together, tied them in a neat bundle and took them to Aisha, the Prophet's wife, and she stored them beneath the bed with other important papers.

So it came to pass that Ma'iz was taken to the graveyard of Medina, the Baqi al-Gharqad, and those who were without sin stoned him. But they neglected to tie him up or to dig a ditch for him and Ma'iz having had seconds thoughts about being stoned ran off. The sinless pursued him to al-Harra. There, arming themselves with heavy stones they carried out the sentence of death.

And then the Prophet died.

Shortly after the Great One's death the first Caliph Abu Bakr ordered the words of Allah as transmitted to the Prophet by the Angel Gabriel be compiled into a single book. This would be the Qur'an.

When Tonto saw the finished product he was heartbroken. There was no stoning clause. A goat or a sheep had wandered into the Prophet's house and had eaten the palm leaves detailing the stoning along with others before it could be collected into what Bill Maher has hysterically called "a book full of hatred."

And that is why there is no stoning surah in the Qur'an.

Appendix to the original:

     1.The goat episode is believed to be the origin of "the dog ate my homework" excuse used by Tom Sawyer and a hundred thousand schoolboys to explain what happened to the paper they were supposed to have written for

            Miss Pulchritude's fifth grade literature class.

     2. Tonto's family migrated across the Aleutian land bridge to the North American continent where they have been usefully employed ever since.

     3. Joe of Joe's Bar and Grille and Gun Club denies having any part in this study.

Footnotes: Muslim 17:4209; 17:4191; 17:4194; 17:4196; Nikah 1934




How I Almost Became a Muslim

A tale of Hegemony, Monotheism, Massacre and Remembrance

by A. Nonymous

He was a feisty little fellow and when I first heard him speak I didn't know who he was but he made a lot of sense. Now I hadn't kept up with politics much except for what little I got from Jimmy Kimmel, but this feisty little rascal reminded me of Dennis Kucinich-in a nice sort of way; not as broad in the shoulders, more like Woody Allen. But there was a mean streak in him. He struck me as a man who would know how to build a Fuhrerbunker in a quicksand bog. And when he shook his finger in my face-now I'm saying this theoretically, he didn't actually do it-and he said, and I wrote this down, "Our nation's advice for you is to get back to the path of monotheism, justice, and friendship, at least in a bid to safeguard your own nation's immediate, and long term interests."

Well, I'm all for friendship and justice and when I found out he was a Muslim I was ready to convert to Islam-or at least I was thinking about it. He appears to be what Nancy Polosi has been looking for. But being a careful person and a High School dropout to boot, I looked up monotheism in the dictionary. Well, imagine my surprise! I had been a monotheist all my life and never knew it. It was almost as shocking as when I discovered I was a monogamist. And when my eighth-grade science teacher told me I was a carnivore-well, it took me a while to recover from that one. So I was a monotheist, a monogamist and a carnivore. And according to that little rascal I was already half a Muslim. All I had to do was find a Mosque and get confirmed and then head for Joe's Bar and Grille and Gun Club and hoist a few with the boys Wouldn't they be surprised. Me-a Muslim!

That little rascal-Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was his name-was so convincing and so full of advice I was mesmerized. Yes-mesmerized. That's what the Misses says Paris Hilton does to me-mesmerizes me. And now this little rascal was doing the same thing. Anyway, this little rascal said-and I wrote it down too-"Beware, if you do not go back to this path; if you do not end your oppressive methods; if you keep on looting the other nations and keep on imposing your illegitimate hegemony over other nations, you will face the destiny of past tyrants in history, that is none but death, and downfall for yourselves, and wretched lives for your nation."

Well that got me to thinking. So I looked up hegemony in the dictionary. Can't say as I understood what it meant, but that little rascal was one smart cuss-as smart as Dennis Kucinich, almost as smart as Jimmy Kimmel. And I took his words to heart. I sure didn't want to face the destiny of past tyrants. My life was wretched enough as it was. Being burned to death in a Fuhrer-bunker in a trailer park ain't that appealing. So I studied up on the little rascal and it turned out he's the President of the Islamic Republic of Iran. And he wasn't talking about me-no, sir, he was talking about George W. Bush and the United States of America. It appears I had become a little confused. Was he Howard Dean's double or was he the President of Iran? They sounded similar. It's easy to cross-pollinate jackasses.

Then I remembered another thing Mahmoud said, "You have so far kept trying for 28 years to halt the path of our nation's progress in vain...I am hereby assuring you oppressive powers that the Iranian nation's demand from their political officials is taking full advantage of the entire capabilities of the nuclear energy in technical and industrial fields."

Nuclear energy? Well, gosh, if somebody didn't know any better they might think he was talking about the bomb. That's what I thought and the first thing I thought of was Dr. Strangelove and Chill Wills riding that old nuclear bomb down on the Kremlings. Must have scared the pants off Khrushchev. Or was that Telly Savalas? I always get those two mixed up. Mahmoud made a good argument-he needed the bomb to protect himself from the hegemonizers. Couldn't blame him for that. He's for justice and friendship and peace and paternity and so am I. If he don't like the hegemonizers, than neither do I. At least that's what I thought at first. Imagine my surprise when Joe at Joe's Bar and Grille told me I was one of the hegemonizers. Well that didn't make sense. How could I be a hegemonizer? I didn't even know what it meant. There must be some mistake. I had been ready to go down to the local Mosque and get sworn in as a Muslim but I decided to hold off for a while. I was getting mixed signals. And I kept thinking of John Walker Lindh.

Then I heard about that incident at Lewiston Middle School where a student tossed a ham steak in a paper bag on a lunch table where a bunch of Muslim students were eating. C.A.I.R. said it was a hate crime and I thought so too at first. Pigs is unclean and Muslims aren't supposed to touch them. Then I remembered how Lester Gooch used to throw dog crap on the table where I ate lunch at the Disciplinary Barracks-that's what we called Thomas Jefferson Middle School. Ham steak ain't as bad as dog crap and kids is kids. Still I was pretty angry. The Misses asked, " Should-n't you be watching Paris Hilton instead of this nonsense?' After a day or two I simmered down.

Then came the Virginia Tech massacre. Well-what do you say? All those poor people in South Korea-praying and grieving and apologizing as if it had been their fault; as if they had been responsible...And the Korean-Americans...praying, grieving for the victims...and the South Korean President expressing his con-dolences four times. Four times! It wasn't South Korea's fault. It wasn't the Korean-Americans' fault. The kid was a nut. He could have been an Irishman, an Eskimo-he could have been anybody. Gosh!

And then I remembered what happened after 9/11-Muslims dancing in the streets in Palestine, in Egypt, in Iran, all over the world, some of them right here in the United States. How could I have forgotten? And that creep from Saudi Arabia-coming over here and offering Rudy Giulian $10 million to aid the victims of 9/11 if the United States would change its foreign policy. I wanted to throw a rock at Rosie O'Donnell. I had come to my senses. The South Koreans had nothing to be ashamed of but I did. I had forgotten who I was and where I was and what the bastards had done to us. I wanted to go out and hug a Korean. The Misses said, "You had better damn not."

So I went down to Joe's Bar and Grille and Gun Club. "Still thinking about becoming a Muslim?" asked Piano Legs Hickman.

"Naw," I said, "I'm leaning toward Buddhism. I already got the bald head."



Nihad Awad

In defense of Michael Graham

Our land is not their land;

Not C.A.I.R.'s; not Awad's; not Islam's


"We are saddened that Winston Churchill would not take responsibility for his hate-filled words, but we do welcome Neville Chamberlain's action as a step toward reducing the level of anti-Nazi bigotry on your country's airwaves."-----Joseph Goebbels, spokesman for the National Socialist German Workers Party (NSDAP).                                                                 

We are saddened that Michael Graham would not take responsibility for his hate-filled words, but we welcome WMAL's (Radio Washington, DC) action as a step toward reducing the level of anti-Muslim bigotry on our nation's airwaves."----Nihad Awad, executive director of the Council on American-Islamic Relations (CAIR), supporter of Hamas and raiser of funds for the Holy Land Foundation.                                                

Awad said, "Graham has the right to hold bigoted views," but, "so, too, does ‘our society' have the right to live free of hatred and incitement." 

Mighty fine words, Mr. Awad. And now if you will kindly catch the next bus-or train or plane, it doesn't matter how you get there-to Columbia University or Berkeley or Chapel Hill you can put your religion where your mouth is. It will make you feel good. You can condemn the endless stream of hatred and incitement coming, not from the mouth of Michael Graham, but from the twisted psyches of countless Muslim professors and their semi-Christian running dogs under the guise of freedom of speech. And while you're at it you can take a switch to the thousands of Muslim and Palestinian students parading around campus screeching "Death to America! Death to Israel!" Or do you believe that only Muslims should live free of hatred and incitement? Here's your chance to prove you're an American and not a cheap Wahhabi

Imitation of Joseph Goebbels. Please, put your surahs and hadiths where you mouth is. Is that asking too much? 

And what did Michael Graham say that was so hateful, so inciting? How could a mere dribble of words penetrate the tidal wave of Wahhabi propaganda that's been washing over America like raw sewage from the Gowanus Canal? How could a five-word sentence-freely uttered in the greatest democracy in the world-be a threat to anything? Graham said, "Islam is a terrorist organization." That's not so bad; Muslims round the world have been issuing similar statements about America for years.

How about these: "Zionism is terrorism; American is a terrorist country; George W. Bush is a terrorist." If Awad is half the man he thinks he is and one-tenth the American he professes to be, he would take great umbrage at these insults to America and President George W. Bush and cast fatwas about him like a porcupine shedding its quills-one for Osama bin Laden; one for Zarkawi; one for Omar Bakri. (Obviously it would take more than one porcupine; maybe a whole herd of them. Does anyone know how many porcupines it takes to make a herd?) 

Is Islam a terrorist organization as Michael Graham claims and, if it is, does he have the right to declare it as such? Certainly! If one can say America is a terrorist country then one can say Islam is a terrorist organization. If John Esposito and Fawzi Zafzaf can offer opinions on the Inquisition then Michael Graham can offer opinions on Sharia and Islam. So let the debate begin.

Unfortunately, Christianity and Islam are not on the same page: not even in the same Book. The differences between the founders of the two great monotheistic religions, Christ and Mohammed, are of such magnitude as to yield nothing useful to any serious inquiry. They were not twins; they were not even distant relatives; they were psychological opposites. The same goes for Mohammed and Siddhartha Guatama Buddha. The historical figure that most closely resembles Mohammed is Adolph Hitler. Both were angry, violent and vengeful men and they imposed their barbaric, semi-religious, sociopathic beliefs on the gullible, the ignorant, and those who liked to break bones and crush skulls. Of course no one in Europe in the 1930s called the Nazis a terrorist organization-except for Winston Churchill-until it was almost too late. 

And what does Awad mean by ‘our society?' He can't mean Thomas Jefferson and Abraham Lincoln-they endured more insults and had more respect for the Constitution than has been displayed by Awad and his make-believe Americans.

Drop in at Joe's Bar and Grille and Gun Club for a few beers with the boys; dance the frug or whatever with Fat Lu in the back room; listen patiently to John Travolta while he explains the wonders of Scientology; buy a Britney Spears CD and actually watch it without searching the Qur'an for a passage that consigns blue-eyed blonde bitches to Hell for all eternity; and-oh, yes-spend more time at the ballpark than in the mosque, Mr. Awad, and you just might qualify as an American. Until then, your society in not ‘our society.' 

At the expense of sounding redundant, Awad is executive director of an organization whose co-founder, Omar Ahmad, has said, "Islam isn't in America to be equal to any other faiths, but to become dominant. The Koran, the Muslim book of scripture, should be the highest authority in America, and Islam the only accepted religion on Earth." 

So Graham was fired by WMAL and ABC radio "for comments deemed ‘hate radio'" by CAIR. WMAL and ABC radio are part of the Disney Empire which may or may not be controlled by billionaire Saudi Prince al-Walid bin Talal who is notorious for offering Mayor Rudy Giuliani of New York a $10 million bribe to mute criticism of the Saudi connection to the World Trade Center disaster. 

In America the Constitution trumps the Bible, the Qur'an, the Bhagavad Gita, the Turner Diaries-not to be confused with the Ted Turner diatribes-and the Last Will and Testament of Charles Lee. This is what Opie believed; what John Wayne based his life on; what Audie Murphy and Alvin York fought for. Religious bigots like Awad and Ahmad have no place in our American society; it is not theirs; it is not Michael Moore's; it is not Howard Dean's; it is the society of Thomas Jefferson and Abraham Lincoln; it is our society, cherish it, there will never be another like it. 

To Awad and Ahmad: Pack up your bags and your trunks and your Qur'ans and emigrate to Saudi Arabia or to Iran where you will be appreciated and maybe, if you're lucky, be handed a suicide bomber's belt. You have outlived your welcome in the land of the free and, with the
regrettable exceptions of Cindy Sheehan, Michael Moore, the leftwing of the Democratic Party and their ilk, the home of the Braves-and the Yankees and the Saints and the Cavaliers and the Fighting Irish. America is far too diverse for Islam and Sharia Law.

Rock Around the Clock with Abu Hamza



"One, two, three o'clock, four o'clock rock...we're gonna rock around the clock tonight." 

"That's what you think, Vinnie.You get that grease out of your hair and your butt out of those tight pants, and hit those geography books. You might need to know where Iran is some day. That Shah guy ain't gonna live forever...Until you start getting some Bs and Cs on that report card, you're gonna be buying your own gas...You hear me, Vinnie? Vinnie?"

Sounds like yesterday at the Barbarino house.

"When the clock strikes two, three and four...we're gonna rock, gonna rock around the clock tonight."

"I don't care, Marion, the way those poodle skirts flare it's an open invitation to sex. We can't have Joanie going to a sock hop unescorted. What will the Cleavers think...the Nelsons? If you won't go, I will. Suppose the Fonz gets sick one of these days? Who's going to do our parenting?"

Was that the Cunninghams?

"We're gonna rock around the clock tonight...we're gonna rock, rock, rock 'til broad daylight."

"Now simmer down, Granny. Jethro's a big boy an' can take care of hisself. It's just a cotillion. Sure, some o' these city gals can be a mite aggressive but they's not all that way, though Ah must admit Ah've seen more desperate Old Maids here in Beverly Hills than Ah thought existed in the whole world...some o' them nigh unto 18-19 years old. Pathetic! Ellie Mae says they's gonna be a rock an' roll band a-playin' an' Ellie says it drives them Old Maids crazy. So Ah reckon Ah'll mosey along with Jethro to this here Cotillion an' keep an eye on him."

Old Maids? Rock and roll band? Can it get any worse?

"We're gonna rock, gonna rock around the clock tonight."

If Jed was worried about what Old Maids and rock and roll could do to Jethro and Howard and Marion begin twitching nervously at the mention of a sock hop and Mr. Barbarino reached for the razor strap whenever he thought of the grease in Vinnie's hair, pity the plight of poor Mr. Abu Hamza."

Abu who?

Abu Hamza, Islam's Captian Hook."

Oh, that Abu Hamza.

Yes, that Abu Hamza.

Mr, Hamza was arrested by British Police under the Terrorism Act of 2000 and is currently lodged in Belmarsh Prison. He has been charged with 16 crimes including encouraging the murder of non-Muslims. His trial began in July of 2005 and he doesn't know where his son is, and, like most fathers, he is worried. Of course-he should be; the little rascal could be rocking till broad daylight instead of filling suicide-bomber belts with explosives; he could be doing one, two, three o'clock, four o'clock rock instead of laying roadside bombs. When the clock strikes two he might be on the way to the hop instead of to Iraq. That would never do. How will he ever get to Allah's Great Whorehouse in the Sky?

Abu Hamza blames this sad state of affairs on John Travolta. Yes, that's right--on John Travolta; not that Hamza is worried about his son, he's not. He's worried about the Muslim girls that might be rejecting his son's ardent advances because of Travolta--not that they are converting to Scientology; that would be a horror of another dimension. It is Travolta's stomach that scares Hamza. Yes, Travolta's stomach! It is corrupting Muslim girls; it is leading them astray from Islamic principles.

This is how Hamza described his worst fears: "This brother he's a mujahid (freedom fighter) and she looks at him and says, ‘Oh look, his forehead is black, probably he's praying. She likes John Travolta, who is dancing and moving his stomach as quick as the--as I don't know what-"

Like a priest caught masturbating in the sacristy by a nun? Words failed him.

Hamza regrouped. "And she likes that because if he (the mujahid) was wearing the proper dress which has been imposed on him by Muslims, she wouldn't ever think about him."

Those brazen Scientologists! Is there nothing they won't do to attract women? If Vinnie Barbarino had thought of something like that he might have had a career in show business!

Anyway, Vinnie and Joanie and Jethro survived childhood without rock and roll scarring their psyches. They grew up; they got jobs; they got married though not necessarily in that order. Jethro is a tycoon; Vinnie is a go-go dancer at Couples Unlimited; and Joanie married Chachi--three or four times. They all cried when Elvis died. What's so bad about that?

Islam doesn't allow its children to grow up. They are born, become Muslims and that's it. Mahmoud and Habib don't go exploring in Christian churches and Jewish synagogues like Tom and Huck once galavanted about Indian villages, donning tribal gear, doing war dances, and participating in Native-American religious rites. There is no exploration in Islam, no journeys into discovery. Everything non-Islamic is haram. A thousand martinets working six days a week for a hundred years could not have come up with as many regulations as Mohammed issued in one day. Life is constricted. One won't catch Mahmoud and Habib banging drums and parading around a dentist's waiting room singing, "The Yanks Are Coming," like the Little Rascals once did. terrifies the Mad Mullahs. Especially music.

Mustafa Sabri, one of Islam's most respected scholars of the 20th Century, had a lot to say about music, most of it negative.

"Firstly," said Sabri, "music is a senseless activity which in fact, is a state of passiveness...Secondly, the benefit and pleasure taken from music involves a meaning of deep slavery in passion...Since Islam is the only enemy of passiveness and slavery in passion, an important duty of Islam is to search their traces in unexpected hideouts...The acts of pure entertainment are considered low-level professions in the eyes of unpolluted human nature...During listening to music people, would not be doing anything for the good of humanity...They would cause, instead, a lot of money to change hands. And, in return for the money, what do these people get? Nothing!"

Passive? Frankie Yankovic, Madonna, the Grateful Dead, they are passive?

And what is this slavery in passion? Does it include the "Marine Corps Anthem; God Bless America; I've Got the Joy Down in My Heart? Tell that to Martin Luther King.

Search their traces in unexpected hideouts? Sounds like a Nazi looking for an excuse to burn something down--like a church or a synagogue. Did Sabri know Heinrich Himmler?

And this gets the booby prize-money to change hands. That's bad? It's capitalism, baby. It's what made Uncle Jed rich and the Saudi Royal Family the low-life swine of the Middle East.

As if all that wasn't enough, Sabri insulted every musician and singer who has ever lived by dismissing music as a low-level professsion. There is nothing lower than an Imam or a Mullah who stuffs the heads of countless children with hatred of other religions and then sends them out into the world to do the Devil's work.

Pathetic, wretched, brainwashed children become pathetic, wretched brainwashed adults. Life is not a preparation for death to be hedged in by fear and loathing; life to have meaning must be lived as an unparalleled adventure. Waiting at Track Nine for the train to Anaheim, Azusa, and Allah's Great Whorehouse in the Sky just doesn't cut it.

Captain Hook had a crocodile, Abu Hamza has his Qur'an and Vinnie and Joanie and Jethro had rock and roll. Captain Hook has already went to his reward and it doesn't look good for Hamza. The first thing that rascal is going to hear when passing the Stygian Gates on the way to Hell is Elvis singing "You ain't nothing but a hound dog."

"And they rocked and they rocked 'til broad daylight."





"Uncovered Meat"

The rape of the 21st Century Sabine women


SABINE WOMEN? There are times when you see an arrogant sexist chauvinist pig and wish you had a horsewhip. Take Sheikh Taj el-Din Hilali. He's one of Australia's most prominent Muslim clerics. When he speaks, millions of Muslims listen-and millions of Australians grind their teeth. The Sheikh was appointed or elected or made himself Grand Mufti of Australia in 1988. He talks a lot. He has kind words for suicide bombers and said the destruction of the World Trade Center on 9/11 was "God's work against oppressors." In January of 2003 he was arrested and charged with assaulting police during a traffic stop. Yes, it is supposed to be a religion of peace and tolerance.

Hilali is an anti-Zionist. He says the Jews are the "underlying cause of all wars," and use "sex and abominable acts of buggery," to "control the world." His pastime is rewriting history. He says the original settlers of Australia were Muslims and that the Aborigines were their descendants. This is the kind of historical analysis that kept Potsie Weber in high school an extra year. (The Aborigines were spearing water toads in the outback long before Mohammed crawled out from under his rock in Saudi Arabia.) Of course, what Hilali meant was that Australia belongs to Islam because non-Muslims have no rights any Muslim need respect.

Hilali was born in Egypt. When he first arrived in the Land Down Under he was toting a tourist visa. The visa expired; Hilali remained. The Aussies have tried to deport him for being in the country illegally and for inciting hatred. They haven't been successful. It's difficult to kill a Frankenstein monster. A Caliphate would suit him just fine.

Okay-so how is he different from a thousand other loud-mouthed, obnoxious, dhimmi-hating Imams, Muftis and Mullahs? He wears a turban; his beard is trimmed to the exact length prescribed by Sunnah (it must be no more than the width of a hand and is not to be shaven off); his robes are perfectly nondescript-they are more like shelter halves than anything that might be found on a rack beside an Armani or a Calvin Klein-his views on women make Archie Bunker sound like Gloria Steinem.

Women? Gloria Steinem? Ah-hah! That's what defines Hilali-what separates him from the other guys in the front row at the freak show. He's more outspoken when it comes to Bs-and-Bs and Ts-and-As than the average arrogant, sexist, chauvinist, homophobin pig Muslim cleric. It takes a lot of doing. And he can put his foot in his mouth with the best of them. In his sermon winding up the holy month of Ramadan, he issued his latest epistle on the place of women in society. Women who displayed their charms, he said, were "uncovered meat."

Uncovered meat? Yes! Uncovered meat! He wouldn't dare say that in front of Rosie O'Donnell-maybe in front of Karen Armstrong or Ingrid Mattson but not in front of Rosie. He's lucky he was in a mosque and not at a Teddy Kennedy fund-raiser-better make that a Teddy Roosevelt fund-raiser.

But Hilali was far from done. "If you take out uncovered meat and place it outside on the street, or in the garden or in the park," he said, his thin-lipped, beady-eyed congregation hanging on his every word, "And the cats come and eat it...whose fault is it? The cats or the uncovered meat?"

Little Annie Fanny would have looked at this creep and said, "Galloping Gonads!" Ah, sweet little Annie-what an obviously accurate assessment!

In the minds of many Australians Hilali was using the sermon to defend the actions of Muslim men who have been raping the gals Down Under as if they were so many Sabine women awaiting their mythological fate. Shame, shame and shame again!

The Sheik's comments were "appalling and reprehensible," said Australian Prime Minister John Howard

"It is an incitement to crime," said Pru Goward, Australia's sex discrimination commissioner. "Young Muslim men who now rape women can site this in court."

As was to be expected when faced with the incontrovertible proof, Hilali claimed he had been incorrectly translated and misunderstood. He condemned rape; Mohammed condemned rape; Allah condemned rape; all Islam condemns rape.

Qur'an 24-34: "Force not your slave-girls to whoredom (prostitution) if they desire chastity, that you may seek enjoyment of this life. But if anyone forces them, then after such compulsion, Allah is oft-forgiving." (Ah! The oft-forgiving clause!)

(A liberal judge in New Hampshire or Ohio could have written something of the same sort in defense of a child molester)

Hilali said he respected the right of Australian women to dress as they saw fit. He also respects the Qur'an and the Prophet and the surahs and the commentaries and the coming Caliphate, none of which respects the rights of any woman to dress as she sees fit and that includes Mother Teresa.

Moderate Muslims were appalled, aghast, horrified, discom-bobulated, and dumbstruck. They always are when someone like Hilali correctly interprets the Qur'an. How could this be, they say. Islam is a religion of peace and tolerance. Hilali does not repre-sent true Islam. He is a hijacker. That's what he is-a hijacker.

Well, nobody called him a hijacker or a loudmouth in the middle of his sermon and nobody walked out of the mosque in protest, but his parishioners did have some harsh things to say about Prime Minister Howard earlier in the year when he called on Muslim immigrants to make a better effort to integrate into Australian society, to learn English, to accept Western values, and treat women with greater respect. Muslim leaders were infuriated. Talk like that would radicalize Muslim immigrants and increase the dangers of race riots. So, in the end, nothing was done-nor is it likely to be done torrow or next week or next year.

It's High Noon in Australia and the train bearing Frank Miller is pulling into the station. No one would mistake John Howard for Marshall Will Kane (Gary Cooper) but this is his chance. This is where the horsewhip comes in. Forget Frank Miller and concentrate on the arrogant sexist chauvinist pigs. It's great exercise, it gets the blood flowing and the women of Australia will be forever thankful. When the train pulls out Hilali should be on it. It doesn't matter where he goes-to Iran, to Pakistan, to Saudi Arabia-as long as he goes somewhere other than Australia. They could send him to Dogpatch where Mammy Yokum could teach him some manners, put him in the tub with Pappy and wash his mouth out.

But Howard will have to do it himself. He won't get much help from moderate Muslims or their socialist allies. He will have to run the risk of radicalization and race riots. One hates to say it but Islam is the religion of the arrogant, sexist, chauvinist pig, and it won't be easy, but a start has to be made somewhere and turning Hilali into covered meat isn't a bad idea


Imams Gone Wild!

In your face on US Airways Flight 300


"I was suspicious by the way they were praying very loud," reported an airport gate agent.

"They repeatedly shouted Allah," said an unidentified passenger.

"They now control all of the entry and exit routes to the plane," explained a federal air marshal.

"That behavior has been identified as a terrorist probe in the airline industry," said a pilot from another airline.

Except for the praying part and the calling of attention to themselves, it could have been Butch and Sundance getting ready to blow open the doors to the Express Car on the 6:10 to Yuma.

What were the Imams up to? Did they have a master plan? Promise keepers and born-again Christians go to conventions and rallies and don't act like that on the way home, they act like-well, Christians. These weren't gentlemen songsters out of a spree-Allah frowns on music. Maybe it was robbery they had on their minds. Not the gold bullion that would have attracted Butch and Sundance but something more valuable, America's sense of safety, security and nationhood.

What happened on US Airways Flight 300 from Minneapolis to Phoenix was guerilla theatre. It was like a Klan march through a black neighborhood in Birmingham, Alabama, in the 1930s-a warning. It was in your face-a portent of things to come. The ostentatious praying on the concourse was another step in radical Islam's plan to turn America from sea to shining sea into a mosque.

The Imams wanted attention; they demanded attention; they got attention. They were dragged off the plane-the victims of ‘Islamophobia.' Maybe a bucket of hot tar and five dollars worth of feathers would have been a better solution. The Imams insisted they were innocent of any wrongdoing. Wasn't that obvious? They had been praying. Everybody prays. Jerry Falwell prays; Terry Bradshaw prays-prayed on the football field; Bill Clinton prays-he prayed with Jesse Jackson: that showed how sincere he was.

But those were Christian prayers. Pray to Allah and it's off to jail! They were lucky their prayer rugs weren't confiscated!

The air marshals would not have dared to treat Scientologists like they treated poor Imam Omar Shahin! Devout pious Muslims observing the Pillars of Islam were treated like common drunks, like outcasts. Jimmy Swaggert, caught sneaking out of a seedy motel with a camera full of pornographic pictures, was shown more respect.

Mahdi Bray, executive director of the Muslim American Society Freedom Foundation, was outraged. "It's a shame that as an African American and a Muslim I have the double whammy of having to worry about driving while black and flying while Muslim," he said.

Please, Madhi, come up with your own slogans; stop stealing from Jesse Jackson, eventually he will sue. And you are wrong-flying while white, black, brown or yellow is more dangerous than flying while Muslim. Remember, Mohammed Atta was flying while Muslim; Richard Reid was flying while Muslim; Marwan ah-Shehhi was flying while Muslim. It's non-Muslims who are in danger while flying with Muslims.

Bray organized a Washington rally in 1998 and played the tambourine while the faithful chanted "Let's all go into jihad and throw stones at the face of the Jews." Bray has referred to President George W. Bush as the "little pharaoh" and Bush's meeting with Ariel Sharon as "morally reprehensible." The air marshals and the police did what had to be done. The Imams were arrested.

"They took us off the plane," protested Imam Omar Shahin, "humiliated us in a very disrespectful way." They were praying-prostrating themselves. "If up to now," he said, "they (Americans/non-Muslims) don't know about prayer, this is a real problem."

A bigger problem is how little Shahin knows about America and his apparent unwillingness to learn. The Imam's track record is not much better than Mahdi Bray's. He's been associated with Kind Hearts, a charitable organization whose assets have been frozen by the U. S. Treasury Department pending investigation. Kind Hearts is an offshoot of the Holy Land and Global Relief Foundations whose assets were frozen because of connections with terrorist organizations.

The Imams were in Minneapolis attending a conference of the North American Imams Federation. Shahin is a member of the Federation's Board of Trustees. Another member of the Board is Imam Siraj Wahhaj. Like Shahin, he has a track record. His name appeared on the list of possible co-conspirators in the first World Trade Center bombing. It should come as no surprise that he has said that America will fall unless it "accepts the Islamic agenda." Also on the Board of Trustees is Imam Waleed Edrees. Edrees has memorized the Qur'an. It is unknown whether that is his sole claim to fame.

The Federation website is full of helpful hints on how to be a good Muslim. There are 14 tips for Imams for dealing with sexual abuse, assault and harassment.

Here's one: "know the definition of the crime. From an Islamic perspective, if Islamic modesty and relation between men and women and family were respected, there would be no sexual abuse or harassment."

Keep them barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen, beat them if you must but beat them lightly, after all, they are like domestic animals.

Tip #15. "Did you just find out the public school a few blocks from the mosque is teaching grade five kids Muslims are terrorists women haters?"

The Imams are either misinformed or are practicing taqiyya. There has been more condemnation of George Armstrong Custer and George W. Bush in classroom America than of Mohammed Atta and Osama bin Laden. Political correctness and cultural diversity insist on this.

"They are starting a unit on family life which includes a favorable discussion on ‘homosexual families.'

You will have to check that one out with Rosie O'Donnell.

No Muslim website is complete without a Universal Islamic Declaration of Human Rights.

Calvin of Calvin and Hobbes might not have been satisfied with the Declaration but Lenin would have wondered why he hadn't thought of some of them.

"The Universal Islamic Declaration of Human Rights is based on the Qur'an and the Sunnah and has been compiled by eminent Muslim scholars, jurists and representatives of Islamic movements and thought. May God reward them all for their efforts and guide us along the right path."

Some details: The term ‘Law' denotes the Shari' inviting all mankind to the message of Islam... in our obligation to establish an Islamic order

Better heat up the tar and get another bag of feathers. According to the Universal Islamic Declaration of Human Rights the only right a non-Muslim has is to become a Muslim.

The Imams got what they deserved.